Remembering At Christmas 2010

  

If you are missing someone you love this Christmas, someone of ANY age who is spending Christmas with Jesus this year, I hope you will join us on this very special Walking With You. We are sharing our Christmas memories and the ways that we remember our loved ones who have gone home to heaven at Christmas time.

You can click here to join in and link up too. There will be some giveaways too, so be sure not to miss it!

As Christmastime is coming upon us, I am finding I am missing Faith even more. I think about her being a two year old running around and wanting to pull ornaments off the tree.It would drive me crazy and I would love every minute of it!

She would love the lights and all the decorations and you could see the joy and delight in her eyes!

Well, she is not here, so I can only imagine these things. I miss her and wish I could just hold her. I think about her all the time and will always hold her in my heart. Those of you that have lost a child know exactly what I mean. It is like a piece of you is missing and always will.

I must admit, that I have found it hard to get into the spirit of the Season since losing Faith. I have always loved Christmas and all the sights and smells associated with it. I love the joy that the Children display with the different things we do at Christmastime. So, I try really hard for the kids, to participate and keep traditions alive.

It has taken most of the week, but we have our tree up with lights on and finally the ornaments.

Last night as we were putting on the ornaments, it was fun to see the kids remembering each one and showing such delight!  Of course, when Faith's ornaments came out everyone wanted to be the one to hang them on the tree. She is special to them also, and we hold on to whatever we can to remember her.

I find that I am missing my Dad and my Brother Doug a lot more at Christmas too.  I think Christmas was my Dad's favorite time of year. The wonderful thing was, is that he never expected anything.

In so many ways he was a simple man, and just about anything made him happy.  Just having the family around made him happy. He did not need anything else! By that, I mean, that by the world's standards, he was not a rich man. God did however, supply all his needs. But, his family meant more to him than anything money could buy, and oh, how he loved his grandchildren! I believe most of us could learn to be more like that!

I remember as a kid I would go with him up to the local Fire Department and pick out a tree. We would then bring it home and get the lights on and finally we could decorate. He had his favorite twinkle lights that he put in the window of the living room. As time marched on, he and my mom bought an artificial tree, but the twinkle lights were still in the window!  When he became too frail to do these things himself, others have pitched in to keep the lights burning and now a-days that is usually my niece Corrie and other helpers that she can recruit.

This is me with my new Swingy Doll. That is my Dad in the chair. He usually always wore a red sweater or vest on Christmas! That is my cousin Sandy standing nearby, who I absolutely adored!

 My brother Doug also enjoyed the Christmas Season. He usually helped my parents decorate their home. He was very efficient and very helpful.

Doug also enjoyed wonderful music. He could play the piano beautifully and he also appreciated listening to great music. He would often say, Karen, you have to hear this. Of course I enjoyed it too. I love music, but what I miss most, is Doug sharing a new song with me. Now sometimes when I hear a new song, I will think, Wow, Doug would love this! ( I know I have a picture of Doug playing the piano somewhere, but I cannot find it! For the sake of time, I will leave it out. : (    )

This year, there is another who we will all  miss at Christmas. My sister-in-law, Debbie passed away in August. She was another person who was just grateful for the simple things in life. She enjoyed her family, and her kids were the world to her. I know that they will feel this loss greatly, as well as my brother Rick. Please keep them in your prayers as they go through their first Christmas without her.

Christmas 1986 at my parents house. I am holding our oldest son Jeremy who was 4 months old. It is hard to believe that there were only 8 grandchildren at the time. There are now 24 grandchildren and 6 great grand children and 1 great grand child on the way!

One other person I am remembering is my grandmother, My Mom's Mom.

I have a large extended family and my Mom's side of the family all gathered at my Grandmother's house for Christmas. Just a few days ago my sister was asking little trivia questions on facebook about Christmas at Grandmother's house.  She asked where did Grandmother sit when we were passing out the presents? I was the first to respond and I got it right! She always sat on the piano bench.  In the picture below you can see me sitting with her on the piano bench.

We lived next door to her and she was a major part of my life growing up. She loved the Lord with all her heart and that was her biggest desire for all of the rest of us. She was known for praying for each of us, and I know that those prayers have carried our family through so much. She taught piano lessons and I took lessons for many years( but please so not ask me to play for you!)  It is such a Blessing to have such a wonderful heritage!

My Grandmother, Me with Jeremy, and my Mom

There are so many other loved ones that come to mind as I write this post. I am thankful to have the memories etched in my mind and will forever hold them in my heart! So as we are remembering those that have gone on before us, let us first remember the one who died for us, Jesus!

( I wrote this post before I went back and read last years post. There are a lot of similarities, so I guess it is quite obvious who I am missing more this time of year!)

You can read my post from last year here.

 

Oh Happy Day!

The past few days have been amazing. It has been getting warmer and the Sun has been shining! Oh how I love the sunshine! Today it is suppose to be Sunny and the high of 66! I am thrilled. Spring must be coming soon!

Some of the children have been doing their schoolwork outside. They just can't get enough of this weather either! They have been working hard at getting everything done so that they can spend the rest of the day outside playing. This is a win-win situation for all of us!

You would think it was Summer here with these kids wearing shorts and sandals and some are even barefoot!  Even as I am typing this, the clouds are moving in. There is a chance of rain tomorrow and by the weekend it is suppose to be a bit cooler! It was fun while it lasted, but Spring can't be too far away!

This morning I took my son Josh to get his braces off. He was more than ready! We have been through  a lot with Josh and his braces. They actually removed his braces several months ago. After seeing his teeth with the braces off I was not happy with the results.  They ended up putting the top braces back on. This ortho kept saying just a few more weeks. He kept wanting to schedule the removal of the braces but I kept seeing something I thought needed to be fixed. He always agreed with me and told me I had a good eye. Well, he is the orthodontist so why doesn't he have a good eye?  Josh does not seem to even care. Well after spending that much money, I care a lot!

 Josh Before:

Josh After:

Josh  does not often cooperate with getting his picture taken, so this is the best I have!

Nothing really new here. I am better now, but just can't quite seem to shake this run down feeling. I am hoping that getting some sunshine will help that a bit.

Lately it seems as though I feel like I am going backwards on my journey of grief after losing Faith. I miss her so much and have been reliving the painful memories. The times like when we learned of her hypoplastic left heart, the night we found out there was no heartbeat, and the day she was born.  It can be truly painful remembering these times. God has been faithful to carry us through, to bring us comfort and healing. I lean on Him now as I am going through this phase of grieving. I know He will see me through and I look forward to being on the other side.

I have participated in Walking With You hosted by Kelly Gerken from Sufficient Grace Ministries for a while. Right now they are going through the Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study.  I am reading along with them and reading each of their posts. I am struggling to find the time to put my thoughts together to post each week on this study. I have found it helpful though to read the study and the other ladies posts. If you are a Mother that has lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death I encourage you to read along. You can download this study for free from the link above. The Walking With You posts can be found here.

Have an Awesome Day!

 

Walking With You ~ Praising God

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries hosted by Kelly at The Beauty Of Sufficient Grace. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child, who gather together each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This Month we are going to Focus on Praising God, no matter what our circumstances! We can pick an attribute to praise Him for or write something of our own.

God's Love and Faithfulness

As we have been walking through this journey with Faith, I have felt that God was with us each step of the way! I will not say that it was easy, but I knew he was there taking care of me. God's Love was evident all around us.

Since I was very young, I have always had this reassurance that God was with me and taking care of me. No, I haven't been worry free. I am human and I try to take over for myself, forgetting to hand it all over to Him and let Him have charge over everything. So, sometimes many times I fall flat on my face! That is when I realize I am trying to do things in my own power without relying on God!

My very first pregnancy ended in miscarriage back in 1985. I remember listening to a lady on TV that had gone through many miscarriages and struggling to have a baby. She shared how God had spoken to her and asked her what would she do if she never had a live baby? Would she go on living for Him and bring Glory to His Name, or turn her back on Him? She decided that no matter what her circumstances, that she was going to Praise His Name. By the way, she ended up having children!

I felt as I was listening to her testimony that God was speaking to me. Was I going to Praise Him no matter what? I have chosen that I want to Praise Him. No, it is not always easy! Yes, I have been angry that Faith is gone! But, I want to Praise Him because He is Worthy of our Praise!

I think back to when times have been difficult, and I do not always feel Him. It reminds me of the poem "footprints". When I do not see two sets of footprints, that is when He was carrying me! I know that He has carried me through so much!

God's Love has been evident through this journey! We have had wonderful people minister to us through all of this. From my amazing doctor and the wonderful nurse who were with us in the delivery room, to many family and friends who have helped to lighten our load. We have been Blessed and We are truly Thankful!

I am ministered greatly through music. I love Praise Music and that sure can lift me up when I am down. I love to sing along too, probably much to the dismay of my kids! There is something to be said about Praise Music. I recommend you pop some in if you need a lift in your spirit!

There have been several songs that have ministered to me quite a bit while walking this journey. I am sure the song,  Praise You In this Storm has become a theme song to many of us. Here are a few that I enjoy.


This first one reminds me of God's Faithfulness



This song comforts me knowing that he will never let go, through the calm and through the storm!



This song reminds us of His Love!



He never promised that Life was going to be easy. He did promise that He would be with us and take care of us along the way! Great Is His Faithfulness!

He is the Rock, his works are perfect,
and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong,
upright and just is he.                         
Deuteronomy 32:4

Praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.
I will praise the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.   
Psalm 146:1-2

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.                            
Psalm 63:3

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.               
Psalm 13:5   
 

Lord, I Love You and I want to Forever Praise Your Name! Please be with these other Moms that have lost a child or children also. Bring them comfort and give them peace in their hearts. Minister unto their Hearts, Minds, and Spirts and help them to forever Praise You Also!  Amen

 

WalkingWith You ~ Thankful

Walking With You was created by Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more.

From Kelly:

This month we are focusing on our gratefulness for the gifts we were given and the ways our lives were changed by the lives of our babies. I know that many people are busy, so this can be as simple or in-depth as you wish. I hope you will link your own post with us, sharing ways that you are thankful. I do think that reflecting on gratefulness is very valuable...especially in the throes of grief. Grief is big and consuming. The simplicity of counting our blessings refocuses a grieving heart from the giants of pain, sorrow, and hopelessness to the hope, comfort, peace, and eventually joy that waits for us on the other side of the valley. The comfort that waits for us in the arms of our Savior.


I have so much to be thankful for! Even in the midst of all the pain there have been so many things to be thankful for.


While we were still expecting Faith we learned that she had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). All the love and prayers from family , friends, and our church were such a blessings. We were given so much hope about Faith's future. We knew it would be a very rough beginning, but we believed that she would survive. Our world came to a crashing halt to find she had passed away before she was even born! We certainly needed all those prayers more than ever!


Another thing I am thankful for is the medical personnel that was present the day Faith was born. My doctor is the absolute best! She is so loving and caring and she means the world to me. She had tears streaming down her face as she delivered Faith.  It was so comforting that she really cared!


The nurse I had that day was also the best! I know that God arranged for her to be there that day! She was just so good at what she does. She took great care of us and spent extra time with us. It really makes a world of a difference when you have a nurse that is good at what she does and is also so loving and caring.


I am thankful for my loving Savior that has been with me through all of this and has brought comfort to me and is in the process of healing my broken heart. I could not live without Him!  Thank You Lord, for loving me and taking care of me and carrying me along the way when I couldn't take another step!


I am thankful for Faith being a part of my life. Even though the grief I have experienced has been very tough, I am a better person for Faith touching my life. She is a part of me and she will not be forgotten. There is not a day that passes that I have thought of her too many times to count. I miss her so much!


I am thankful for my Husband that has walked beside me through all of this!  He has been there for me and just held me when that is all that he could do. I have been blessed to have had this man in my life for over 26 years.


I am thankful for those that have had the courage to talk about Faith with me. Most people are afraid to bring up her name. It means the world to me to be able to talk about her and to her someone mention her name. She did exist, she is my daughter!


I am thankful for the people that remembered just last week that it was a year ago on October 28th that she was born. Those people sent me notes and cards and it meant the world to me.


I am thankful for the living children I have. They are real blessings!  Even though life can be quite challenging at times, I am thrilled to have each one of them in my life. There is a lot of great joy that comes with having children.


I am thankful for many friends I have made through the blog world and especially the ones that have experienced a similar loss. I am so sorry that any of us have had to become a part of this club, but I am thankful we can share our grief together and just be there to support one another.

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

Worship the LORD with gladness;

come before him with joyful songs.

Know that the LORD is God.

It is he who made us, and we are his ;

we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

 Enter his gates with thanksgiving

and his courts with praise;

give thanks to him and praise his name.

 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;

his faithfulness continues through all generations.

                                                            Psalm 100

 

Walking With You

Walking With You was created by Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more.

This week, Kelly is sharing some commonly asked questions about grieving the loss of a child...and some answers. We are to blog about a similar topic...or share what is on our heart this week.

I am just going to share what is on my heart today.

Last weeks post seems to have stirred up some emotions in me. Life keeps me pretty busy, so I think that I am not always given the opportunity to think my own thoughts. For some reason, even after almost 10 months of Faith being gone, this week I have really been missing her more. I want to be taking care of a baby along with all my other responsibilities.

I would like more than almost anything to have one more healthy pregnancy, but the reality of that is seeming to pass away. I am not totally giving up, but I am giving that over to God and trying to rest in Him!

At the same time I seem to be feeling angry about Faith being gone. I love God and know that He knows what is best for me, but right now I am a bit angry that Faith is gone. I don't like the feeling, but it is just the way it is. I know God sees the whole picture, so right now I have to put my trust in Him.

After Faith was gone, I had to deal with returning the beautiful outfits that friends had given to me. I also had bought her a few things, so I personally had to return those things to the store. One clerk had asked me if there was anything wrong with the outfit. I wanted so badly to tell her that my baby was dead and that I did not need it anymore, but I just said no. I so badly wanted to tell her about Faith, but I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

I have a necklace that has a charm for each of my children. Right before Christmas I went to Kohl's to buy a charm for Faith. The clerk asked me if I was buying this for someone else. I actually felt comfortable telling her about Faith and she was so sweet. I have seen her a few times since then and she always says Hi and asks me why I am not wearing my necklace. I really appreciate her tenderness towards me. It is people like her that make life just a little bit easier.

There is so much disappointment when you lose a child. The hopes and dreams that come along with expecting that child are gone. Then you have to deal with the grief associated with that loss. If you have children, then you have to deal with their grief also. Yes, it does get a little less painful as time goes on, but I believe that I will never be the same person I was before we lost Faith.

I have a pain in my heart that I am sure will never go away. I guess I do not want it to go away either, so that I will always remember Faith. I also feel that it is making me a better person. I believe that I have more compassion for others, especially when it comes to the loss of a child. Faith was a part of me and always will be.

Prayer request: That God will help me work through this anger and resolve it to his Glory. Also that my husband's job will remain stable. That God would find favor with him and keep his job safe. The company that he works for has gone through different stages of layoffs and now there are more expected.

Blessings,

 

Walking With You ~ Things People Say

Walking With You was created by Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more.

This week we are sharing some of the things that people said to us while we were in the throws of grief...for better or for worse.

When I had my miscarriages and when I lost Faith I was hurt by some of the things people had to say. I realize they meant well, but I felt as though they really didn't think through what they actually had said.

"It was for the best" or "God needed another Angel" or "At least you have other children."

OK, Why was it for the best? What exactly does that mean or what does that imply? I trust God for his plan for my life, and I want his best, but saying that "it was for the best" is just not comforting.

The statement that "God needed another angel" does not sit right with me either. First of all I needed her. I have felt immense pain from losing her. She has been gone over 9 months now, but she is still always on my mind. I also know that she is not an angel in Heaven. God never said that humans would turn into angels. She is is Heaven with Jesus safe in his arms, but she is not an angel.

Yes, I do have other living children, but that does not make it easier. This baby was wanted so very much also. She was loved, we were expecting her arrival. Don't take me wrong, I am extremely Thankful that God gave me 10 children to bring home and love. I don't want to take that for granted at all, but please don't try to comfort me by saying that I have other children.

I know that I have found it awkward to try to comfort someone while they were grieving. To be plain honest I have found it quite uncomfortable. After losing Faith, I believe that I feel a little bit better about this. I know that a hug goes a long way. I have learned just be a good friend. You don't have to have any magic words to say. Cards to say that you are thinking about the person, that you are praying for them mean a whole lot.

Other than my husband and my children, I have received the most support from my bloggy friends, most of whom have experienced loss also. Most others do not realize that the grief continues. It seems that once you have a funeral and a burial that, that is it, it's over. Well, it has really just begun. They are afraid to talk about her or ask me how I am doing. It seems to me that I am supposed to be over this and forget about it.

Let me tell you, I will never forget about Faith. She is a part of me, she always will be. I longed to hold her in my arms. I got to hold her, but her body was limp. It was so heart breaking because when she was born, there was no life.

I had numerous ultrasounds when she was alive. I saw her moving around, I saw her sweet little face. One of the last ultrasounds I had, the tech mentioned her sweet little lips. She definitely looked like one of my babies.

Yes, the pain is not as raw now, but my heart still aches for my baby. I should have a nine month old, instead of a grave marker.

Next time you encounter someone who is grieving, please be careful with your words, but do love on them and let them know you are praying for them.

I enjoyed Holly's post on this subject and recommend you go and read it also. She shares some do's and don'ts for providing support. Please go to Holly's blog and read her post.

God is good and he knows what he is doing. I trust him with my life. I do not always like what he chooses, but I trust him. I am Thankful for all that he has done in my life. I could not imagine life without him. He has been right beside me along the way.

Blessings,

 

Walking With You ~ Sibling Grief / The Next Pregnancy

Walking With You was created by Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more.

This week, we are sharing about the effect our loss(es) had on our children. If you did not have children at the time of your loss, we are also sharing about subsequent pregnancies (after the loss). If you have not had a pregnancy following the loss, yet, you may share your feelings about facing your next pregnancy.

Grieving as a parent is hard enough in itself. It takes a lot of your time and energy. When you add 10 children that are grieving it can be quite stressful. After we lost Faith it seemed that suddenly there was a bit more tension in our house.

In the very early days I could hardly deal with my own grief, let alone the grief of my children. I did, however, want to be open with them and talk about it whenever they wanted.

One of the first days at home my three year old son was sitting on my lap and asked me “Why did your baby die?” I was kind of taken off guard and burst into tears. My seven year old daughter said “now look what you have done!” I told her it was OK and I wanted to talk about it.

The three year old (now four year old) has talked about Faith quite a bit. He was looking forward to having a baby sister. Sometimes when he sees other people with babies he tells them his baby died. I am thrilled that he wants to talk about it. We talk about Faith being in Heaven with Jesus. There is something so precious about the innocence of a young child.

The other children age 11 and younger have talked a little about Faith, but they seem a little shy about it. I could tell that they too were grieving in their own way. One thing I know is that my children have always loved adding a new sibling to the family. There were so excited to meet Faith. This was a huge disappointment to them.

It seems as though losing Faith really hit my seven year old daughter quite a bit. She does not have a baby sister and she wanted this baby to be a girl so bad. Right after the memorial service she just sat and cried. It really broke my heart.

This picture always brings tears to my eyes.

I know that the older children have been grieving in their own way. They have occasionally asked me questions about Faith. They were pretty shaken up over her death. They just found ways to keep busy and for the most part keep their minds off of it.

Then there is the subject of having another baby. First I would like to say that I am open to that idea. I am now 45 so that would definitely be up to the Lord. I know that he can make that happen if that is his plan. I would be so happy if that happened, but I am learning to trust God to help me be content with whatever he has in store.

My doctor is on my side. She would love for me to have another baby so that I could end my childbearing years on a happy note. It is so refreshing having a doctor that is so positive about life. She has definitely been a blessing in my life!

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Blessings,

 

Walking With You ~ The Ripples Flow to Our Marriage

Walking With You was created by Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more.. This week, we are sharing the impact our loss(es) had on our marriage.

Sorry I missed last week, I was out of town visiting family. Between being pretty busy and spotty Internet service, it was just too difficult to get out.

Mike and I had been married over 24 years when Faith passed away. We have been a through whole lot together. There have been a lot of ups and downs. Our marriage has seemed to have it's ups and downs also. We were Christians when we married, and we have been committed to see things through. Not to say there haven't been a few times in the heat of the moment that I was ready to run. That however is not my heart, just my response when things get really tough. Mike is Mr. Steady and more level headed.

After my first miscarriage I really didn't know how to grieve. I was pretty young, 22 years old. Mike didn't handle it well, and pretty much seemed to ignore it. Mike over the years has felt really bad about this and has apologized way too much. I completely forgive him. I became pregnant two months later and that helped in the healing department even though I was a bit nervous the first half of the pregnancy. This miscarriage was also my very first pregnancy.

My second miscarriage was after I had 3 successful pregnancies. This time it hit me hard. I was a bit older and after experiencing having babies, I think I was more aware of my loss. I also believe that I was grieving for my first loss. I felt like I wanted to withdraw from the world. There was a little tension between Mike and I . It was mostly me though, I just didn't want to deal with it. I must give Mike a great deal of credit here because he was concerned for me and tried very hard to reach out to me. Again I became pregnant quickly so that seemed to help with the healing process.

When we lost Faith we had already been dealing with a great deal of stress. Having 10 living children ranging in age from 22 down to 3 is challenging in itself. Mike and I had thrown ourselves into our children's lives and didn't leave much for ourselves. We were starting to slowly grow apart. We were committed to our family and each other, but we were not as close in our relationship as we had been. The added stress of finding out that Faith had a serious heart condition certainly didn't help. We did however share our Faith in God and we trusted him with Faith's life. We were clinging to God to see us through.

The good news is that since losing Faith, our relationship has grown so much. God has definitely been working in our lives. We both were so brokenhearted that we needed each other. We needed our Heavenly Father in way that we have never experienced before.

I do believe that men and women generally grieve differently. As the mother who carried this child inside of me there is a closeness that is like no other. The Father shares a special bond too, but I believe that they often try to be the strong one, and be the one to try to "fix" the situation.

In the early days I would break out into tears, and Mike would put his arms around me and hold me. Most of the time that is all I needed. He would always ask me if he could do anything. Usually I just wanted him to hold me, sometimes I would want to talk things through. He has been here for me from day one and I am so grateful for him.

It has been over 9 months now since Faith has been gone. Our relationship is growing everyday. We are committed to God and each other, but now we are committed to working on making our relationship grow closer. It is so important to work on. Make it a priority. Yes we still have our share of stress, but we are trusting God in all things.

If I could offer a word of advice to anyone dealing with losing a child or dealing with any hardship really, is to have God on your side. Ask him to help you and give you the strength to do what is required of you. Make your relationship with God your first priority and then your relationship with your spouse next. I really don't know how anyone makes it through the trials of life without God in their life. He has always been there for me even when I have chosen to ignore him. I have to give him all the glory for anything good that has come from my life!

Blessings,