Saturday, August 15, 2009

Walking With You ~ Things People Say

Walking With You was created by Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more.

This week we are sharing some of the things that people said to us while we were in the throws of grief...for better or for worse.

When I had my miscarriages and when I lost Faith I was hurt by some of the things people had to say. I realize they meant well, but I felt as though they really didn't think through what they actually had said.

"It was for the best" or "God needed another Angel" or "At least you have other children."

OK, Why was it for the best? What exactly does that mean or what does that imply? I trust God for his plan for my life, and I want his best, but saying that "it was for the best" is just not comforting.

The statement that "God needed another angel" does not sit right with me either. First of all I needed her. I have felt immense pain from losing her. She has been gone over 9 months now, but she is still always on my mind. I also know that she is not an angel in Heaven. God never said that humans would turn into angels. She is is Heaven with Jesus safe in his arms, but she is not an angel.

Yes, I do have other living children, but that does not make it easier. This baby was wanted so very much also. She was loved, we were expecting her arrival. Don't take me wrong, I am extremely Thankful that God gave me 10 children to bring home and love. I don't want to take that for granted at all, but please don't try to comfort me by saying that I have other children.

I know that I have found it awkward to try to comfort someone while they were grieving. To be plain honest I have found it quite uncomfortable. After losing Faith, I believe that I feel a little bit better about this. I know that a hug goes a long way. I have learned just be a good friend. You don't have to have any magic words to say. Cards to say that you are thinking about the person, that you are praying for them mean a whole lot.

Other than my husband and my children, I have received the most support from my bloggy friends, most of whom have experienced loss also. Most others do not realize that the grief continues. It seems that once you have a funeral and a burial that, that is it, it's over. Well, it has really just begun. They are afraid to talk about her or ask me how I am doing. It seems to me that I am supposed to be over this and forget about it.

Let me tell you, I will never forget about Faith. She is a part of me, she always will be. I longed to hold her in my arms. I got to hold her, but her body was limp. It was so heart breaking because when she was born, there was no life.

I had numerous ultrasounds when she was alive. I saw her moving around, I saw her sweet little face. One of the last ultrasounds I had, the tech mentioned her sweet little lips. She definitely looked like one of my babies.

Yes, the pain is not as raw now, but my heart still aches for my baby. I should have a nine month old, instead of a grave marker.

Next time you encounter someone who is grieving, please be careful with your words, but do love on them and let them know you are praying for them.

I enjoyed Holly's post on this subject and recommend you go and read it also. She shares some do's and don'ts for providing support. Please go to Holly's blog and read her post.

God is good and he knows what he is doing. I trust him with my life. I do not always like what he chooses, but I trust him. I am Thankful for all that he has done in my life. I could not imagine life without him. He has been right beside me along the way.




Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Karen...thanks so much for sharing your heart on this. I learned a lot reading everyone's posts this week. I enjoyed Holly's post a lot too. It was helpful to hear the different perspectives of each post. I hope others who have not had a loss find these posts helpful. And, I agree with you that most people do mean well and want to help. Often, they do not cause harm intentionally...just don't know how to help and just don't understand.


Candace said...

What a truely raw, thought provoking post. I can tell that your pain is so great... I know that there are no words. People have said things about our Faith, that are often painful, too. Sometimes I get mad, sometimes I just write them off.

Trennia said...

I understand my friend..

Angie said...

please accept this friend award.. go to my blog
Copy the image from the left and follow directions..
I appreciate your loyalty to my blog.

Holly said...

I think that people feel they have to say something and then struggle to say the right thing and end up getting it wrong. You don't have to say anything. I think that a hug conveys much more than words.

I am totally with you on the angel thing. While I do use the word angel as an endearing term I never use it in the sense that Carleigh is an angel b/c I know she is not. Angels and humans are 2 separate beings created by God!

I've definitely learned how to help the grieving through my own journey. I've found the most support too through my blogging friends. I know that they understand what I'm going through.

Ange said...

Karen, this is a much needed post. I wish more people could read it.People just often do not know what to say or they even minimize the loss because they have never experienced it.

I wrote something similar on It is a website for people going through different seasons in their lives and is a great way to share your Godly perspective. Many people who go to the site who are not believers. Would you considering going to the site and share some of your wisdom along with my article? Just go to the website and click on "Having a Baby". My story is titled, "Bittersweet Day" And you can share some of your thoughts. You can also post a link to your blog here. No pressure. I just feel you have so much to share with the world.

Much Love,