Sunday, March 22, 2009

I Never Saw Her Eyes

Today, for some reason, has been really tough. This journey of grief can take you many different directions and when you are least expecting it! I have really thought that I have done pretty well dealing with the loss of Faith. I am not going to pretend that it has been easy but God has certainly helped me. Time does help to heal your heart, but the pain will never fully go away. The first month or so was the very hardest. Why does the world continue to go on when you feel like you are standing still? Doesn't the world know that my baby is dead?

As I was driving to church today, I was feeling a bit down and really didn't want to go. I told myself it would probably be the best place to be! As I was checking my 3 year old into his class I saw a brand new baby. She was beautiful, but it made my heart ache. I quickly got done and went on to service. I struggled through worship time but singing has always been good for my soul. I really didn't hear much of the message though, because I started having tears that just wouldn't stop.

I was missing Faith so very much and one thing that I felt so sad about was that I never had a chance to see her eyes. You know when you look a person in the eyes how that seems to bring life to that person? She had died before she was born, so there was no life. The one thing that brings me comfort is that she is living a life free from pain and disease and all the stresses of this world. She is with Jesus and will always live with him. I remember reading from another grieving mom was she thought about that when her baby opened her eyes , Jesus was the first thing that she saw! I am excited for Faith, when she first opened her eyes, She saw Jesus!

After the service, a good friend could obviously see that I had been crying. It was great to be able to talk to her and let her know what I was feeling. I am so grateful for friends and family that seem to be there when you need them. Most of the tears have come when I have been alone in my room or bathroom. I like to be alone with my thoughts. One thing I learned today was that it can be a good thing to do it in public. People need to know that Faith is still in my heart and heavily on my mind,and I am pretty sure she will always be!

So I don't mean to be a downer. This is just some raw emotions that I am experiencing today. I still praise God for making her and for sharing her with us. God is my hope and my comfort. I am not sure how people cope in this life without the hope that only God can give us. I am not sure why she was taken from us, but we have great expectations of meeting her again soon!

Could you please pray for me to have the strength I need to press on. I have a lot of people depending on me. This grief thing can zap out all of your strength. I also would like to pray for you, so please leave me a message and let me know how I can pray for you.

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version) but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.




Anonymous said...

I have those days too. I get so empty feeling when I see a new baby or an expecting mom. I think it's our motherly love holding on to our children who have gone to heaven before us.I'm prayinng for you.Faith will always be in your heart, just like my Emily.May the LORD bless and comfort you with HIS peace.

Anonymous said...

sorry I tried to put my name but it went in anonymous...LORD bless you.
Trennia "stillservingHIMthroughthestorm"

Kristin said...


Thank you so much for your sweet comment on my blog. My heart aches for you after reading your post. I will pray that the Lord comforts you during this time.