After laying around for a while I suddenly thought that I could not remember when I last felt the baby move. I tried rubbing her a little, but nothing. Then I drank a lot of orange juice and ate a candy bar. I thought that the sugar would surely get her moving. The movement never came. After a while we went to the Hospital to get checked out. They couldn't get any heart tones, so they brought in the Ultrasound Machine. There we found out our baby girl was gone.
At first they wanted me to have the baby that night, but later came and told me I could go back to Kentucky to have her if I wanted to. I talked to my husband and we decided I would go home and have her with my own doctor and my family and church family near by. So my sister and I left Monday morning for Kentucky. I was instructed to head straight to the hospital.
Monday afternoon we arrived at the Hospital and I get admitted. Later as my doctor came to check in on me, they started inducing me. She thought it would be safe to try a normal delivery instead of a c-section. I am so grateful for her wisdom. I have had 3 c-sections and know what recovery is like. This did prove to make everything easier for us.
They started the pitocin, but several hours later not a whole lot was happening. They decided not to increase the pitocin until the next morning. So on Tuesday as things progressed, I got the best epidural! It allowed me to take a nap and not feel any pain! Later in the afternoon as I was starting to feel more pain they came an gave me another dose. That did not seem to do a lot for me, so they came and gave me a little more. It took the edge off for a few minutes, but then I was feeling a whole lot of pressure. The nurse checked me and said it was time.
My doctor came just a few minutes later as the nurse was getting everything ready. They thought that I would probably have her with one push, because they kept saying she was so small. Well, that didn't quite happen. I had to push through about 4 contractions. All in all it wasn't too bad. She surprised them all by weighing 6 pounds 11 ounces! Not so tiny after all!
I really didn't know what to expect. My baby was already gone, and I didn't know how she would look. My doctor cleaned her up a bit and then handed her to me. I remember hearing something like a big gasp. I believe the gasp was from Mike and I as we both broke into tears. My doctor had tears streaming down her face. She has truly meant a lot to me through this whole process. Thanks again Dr. O! The hardest thing for me was there was no cry. She didn't breathe, she truly was gone. I was so used to that first cry, and this is not the way it is supposed to be.
Faith was absolutely beautiful! She definitely looked like she belonged to our family. She especially reminded me of my seven year old daughter Anna. Everyone tells us that our kids all look alike. We were able to hold her for as long as we wanted. We had a wonderful nurse Lori, who then took her and gave her a bath and dressed her.
Dr. O had brought a beautiful white dress that was hand made with smocking on the front with a matching bonnet. A patient of hers that had never been able to have children had made it, and gave it to her to give to someone who could use it. So we had her dressed in this beautiful dress.
A friend from church, Alison, who is part of the organization NILMDTS came and took pictures. She actually took most pictures that we have of Faith. This has been such a huge Blessing! Thanks Alison for all that you have done. A little later, my children came to visit us at the Hospital. They were all given the chance to hold her if they wanted . Most did hold her, but there were a few that didn't. That was OK. I wanted them them to do what they felt comfortable doing. They probably stuck around for around 2 hours. It was so good to see them, but I must admit it wore me out a bit.
Micah, our three year old was so oblivious to all that was going on. He thought we were having a party or something. It had been six days since he had seen me, and the last he knew I was in Michigan. So after being there for a while, he looked around and asked if this was Michigan! It was so sweet! Always ready to give us a good laugh even when times are hard!
After they left, they prepared me to be moved to a room. I was first told that I was going to be put on the floor with expecting mothers that were hospitalized for various reasons, but were not in labor. Eventually I was put on a floor that was for women in general. It was old and not very pretty. Of course they didn't want me to hear crying babies, and I am sure I couldn't have handled that very well. They put a special sign on your door, so that everyone who enters knows the situation. Some people (including nurses) were great about everything, and others you could tell were very uncomfortable coming into the room.
One thing that is hard is that you leave the hospital with empty arms. Not only do you not have the baby, but no new diaper bag, baby paraphernalia, etc. What you leave with is paperwork on funeral homes and cemeteries that work with the hospital to make everything easier, lists of grief support groups, how to obtain a stillbirth certificate, and foot prints and other little mementos.
Don't get me wrong, I am so very Thankful for all the help and support we have been given, and I will treasure the mementos for the rest of my life. It is just not what anyone ever dreams will happen to them. We had been given so much hope that she could have a good chance on living, so being Stillborn was not what anyone expected.
(Coming soon I will share about Faith's Memorial Service and Burial Service.)