Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Discouraged But Hoping In The Lord!

Life takes so many twists and turns doesn't it? Without God in my life, I know that I would never make it.

I shared recently that I was dealing with some anger issues over Faith being gone. I wish I could report that everything was better, but it is pretty much the same. I also feel a bit discouraged with some things in my life.

After losing Faith, I have experienced different times that all of a sudden things just seem to get worse. It hits me like a ton of bricks. It just seems to come out of nowhere. Sometimes it last a few days, some times a few weeks.

School starting this year has been difficult. First of all, I really did not want to start, I am always really sad for summer to be over. Some of the children were excited to start and some of them were not quite as excited!

By the end of our first week, one by one, most of the children started coming down with something that resembles the flu. By the weekend, hubby and I were not feeling so well either. Fortunately I seem to have a milder version so I have been able to still function.

Today is the first day for most of the children to be back doing their schoolwork. I guess the beauty of homeschooling is that you can be flexible. I love that I do not have to wake up real early and get the children off to school. I actually enjoy having them all home with me(usually) and I would miss them terribly if I sent them off.

With that being said, I have lost my zeal for homeschooling. I believe we are called to do this and I want the passion back. I know God has called us to do this and I want to do it to the best of my ability for Him. Isn't that how we should approach everything we do?

Right now I am finding it hard to juggle everything that I need to do. I have 10 children ranging in age from 23 down to 4 with 10 unique sets of needs. I have a husband who needs me too. A house that needs to be cleaned and kept up. Meals that need to be fixed and the dishes cleaned. Mountains of laundry that need to be washed on a daily basis. I could go on and on!

I do have the children help with some of this, but somewhere along the way I have failed to continue to train them to do more. I am praying for God to show me how to train them better and how to reshape their attitudes. By the way, Hubby does help out a great deal, so I would never complain about that!

I feel that I need to do a better job at my alone time with the Lord. Right now I actually feel that I need to work overtime on making this happen. I am nothing without Him and I desperately need Him. I am not morning person, and I find it very difficult to get up early. When I do, I hardly know who I am, so it would be very hard for me to understand the scriptures. If I do not get up earlier than the children, then it is very difficult to get it done. They sure like to talk a lot!

This blog has been a great outlet for me and I have met a lot of great ladies here. I appreciate your friendships. Many of you have experienced loss also, so we share a common bond that many others do not understand. I would actually like to be able to post more often, but that seems to be difficult. My family takes priority over everything else, besides the Lord. I am not planning on going anywhere, but if you don't hear from me for awhile, you'll know that I am very busy with my family.

My prayer request would be that first God would heal the anger that I am having. Second, he would renew my passion for homeschooling and give me some new energy. Also that I can train the children better and that I can go to bed earlier and get up earlier and have my alone time with Him, alone! That I can get my priorities straight!

If you are a mom to many could you leave me a comment and share with me how you spend time with the Lord.

I would like to leave you with 2 scriptures that I have shared with you before, but they seem to be the theme of my life! They really minister to me.


Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.


Proverbs 3:5-6 (New International Version)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
 



 

8 comments:

Holly said...

I hope that with God's help you can heal your anger. It's a normal emotion with grief and in time I know this healing will happen. Praying for good things for you!

I don't even have that many kids and I struggle to find time with the Lord.

pam said...

It sounds like you are running on empty, and need some filling up. You have 'nailed it on the head' where that filling needs to come from. I too have a hard time getting up and spending time with God. If I miss devotions before the kids get up, I bring my Bible and dev. books, pen and journal all down to the table, and do it in the scheduled family school devotion time, with the kids. Do you put it in your school schedule? (Things get done that are in a schedule!)

I MUST have time with Jesus, or a dark cloud hangs over me, I walk in the flesh, and I am empty. How can an empty mom give?

You have gone through sickness, and a huge loss. You are still allowed to grieve. Waves of grief will pop up when you least expect it. It stings. During these moments, you must walk toward God, remembering that He grieves with you. That He walks with you, sees your pain, and longs to comfort you. Let the kids see how you go to God. Ask them to pray with you. Show them how God ministers.

With all the tasks of laundry, meals, and all that you do as a mom with many children, the load gets really heavy. Homeschooling can also be heavy, but that is one area that I must not let myself grow weary because that is more of a calling from God.

You need a passion incorporated into your schooling. I put art, mission stories, hymn singing, poetry and interesting vocabulary into my "group time" because I love it. Some people love pilates, or cooking, or scrapbooking, or French. Put what delights YOU into your school day and you will love to get up in the mornings. You will look forward to the day. You will thrive and then the kids will thrive. (Not to mention that your husband will have a joyful family to come home to, so you are also blessing him.)

Karen, take whatever you want from this and disregard the rest. I am honored to talk with a mom with many children who is real and who loves God as you do. I know you hurt from losing your baby. But our God is able to help us go forward and continue on when we cannot do it ourselves. Ask Him to do that miracle and wait and see what he will do! Love ya, sister, and praying for you.

Trennia said...

My sweet friend I wish I could give you words to heal your broken heart but I'm sorry I can not.I too struggle with anger toward the one who died for me.I get so angry at times I talk to God in my head thoughout the day and I'm always bought back to it's not totally anger but the fact I have trouble understanding His way, but it is not for me to understand.I homeschooled me children after lossing Emily and I was donw that's all I could do was get through the year and start them back in public school again.I'm not telling you too do that my dear friend I'm just stating what I've done this year.I'm homeschooling Samuel, but he's three so not to much at once with a three year old.We must remember God's will even when it cuts like a knife it's His will.I'm sorry my friend that you have to walk this path..but remember Jesus carries you when you can no longer stand.

Angie said...

Karen-
I agree you need a charge from Our Lord.. and I also think you need some fellowship time with a sister- where you can talk- share, cry,and pray. All these things will renew the soul of anyone who is hurting.
I do hope you will take the much needed time of restoration!!

Your loss was a big one- I don't think there is mother reading that can not sympathize with that pain you carry within you every day.
May our Lord Jesus give you peace, and comfort!!


Angie

Candace said...

Karen, I am not a mom of many but I am sending a Hug to you. Don't punish yourself for feeling that way, though. I will pray for some peace for you, honey.

Ellen said...

Hi, Karen. I found you through Candace's blog. I am so, so sorry for what you have been through. I am in awe of you for being a good mother to so many good children, for homeschooling, for all that you do. I only have two (Max, who's 6 and has cerebral palsy and Sabrina, who's four) and some days, they seem like a lot to handle.

I hope that you are able to get out with some friends now and then to talk. It is good to have friends online, I've found many as well, but there is nothing like heart-to-hearts, like Angie says. If I lived near you, I'd come babysit.

You deserve taking some time to yourself to heal.

Ellen said...

Hi, Karen. I found you through Candace's blog. I am so, so sorry for what you have been through. I am in awe of you for being a good mother to so many good children, for homeschooling, for all that you do. I only have two (Max, who's 6 and has cerebral palsy and Sabrina, who's four) and some days, they seem like a lot to handle.

I hope that you are able to get out with some friends now and then to talk. It is good to have friends online, I've found many as well, but there is nothing like meeting up with friends, like Angie says. If I lived near you, I'd come babysit.

You deserve taking some time to yourself to heal.

Ange said...

Dearest Karen,

My heart goes out to you as I so understand how you are feeling. I am sorry you are struggling. I pray that God will give you a deeper rest in this season and peace in knowing that He really is pleased with you right where you are. You do not need to do more to be pleasing to Him, He is pleased with you right in this season.

I just shared with someone that we all go through seasons where we just do not have the strength nor the energy to delve into the word. The enemy of our hearts will try and accuse us and make us feel we do not love God because we are not "spending time" with our Father. But I want to encourage you in that just by reading your words, you have a tremendous heart that is postured toward the Lord. That is what pleases Him the most!

The loss you experienced is not something that will just go away suddenly (as you know), but the sun will begin to shine brighter again with time. Please be gracious with yourself and know that God has those children. Your chidren shall be taught by the Lord and great shall be their peace. Rest when you need to rest. Simplify your schooling this year.

I had two losses within 4 months and hubby was fired from his job a week after the second miscarriage. It was 2 weeks before Christmas and I did not want to even have Christmas. My favorite time of the year seemed like a dark shadow.I was not motivated to do anything. My time with God consisted of nothing more than crying out to him and telling him how much I was hurting. It did not seem like much. But in looking back almost 2 years later, I believe the Lord received my tears as an offering because it was all I had to give at the time.

Bless the Lord Oh my soul and all that is within me, bless Your holy Name.

If we are in a season of grief and pain and that is all we have to give, give it to Him. He will take it and treasure it. I am praying for you. You are such an amazing woman. Love you much!! Ange