Friday, August 21, 2009

Walking With You


Walking With You was created by Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more.

This week, Kelly is sharing some commonly asked questions about grieving the loss of a child...and some answers. We are to blog about a similar topic...or share what is on our heart this week.

I am just going to share what is on my heart today.

Last weeks post seems to have stirred up some emotions in me. Life keeps me pretty busy, so I think that I am not always given the opportunity to think my own thoughts. For some reason, even after almost 10 months of Faith being gone, this week I have really been missing her more. I want to be taking care of a baby along with all my other responsibilities.

I would like more than almost anything to have one more healthy pregnancy, but the reality of that is seeming to pass away. I am not totally giving up, but I am giving that over to God and trying to rest in Him!

At the same time I seem to be feeling angry about Faith being gone. I love God and know that He knows what is best for me, but right now I am a bit angry that Faith is gone. I don't like the feeling, but it is just the way it is. I know God sees the whole picture, so right now I have to put my trust in Him.

After Faith was gone, I had to deal with returning the beautiful outfits that friends had given to me. I also had bought her a few things, so I personally had to return those things to the store. One clerk had asked me if there was anything wrong with the outfit. I wanted so badly to tell her that my baby was dead and that I did not need it anymore, but I just said no. I so badly wanted to tell her about Faith, but I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

I have a necklace that has a charm for each of my children. Right before Christmas I went to Kohl's to buy a charm for Faith. The clerk asked me if I was buying this for someone else. I actually felt comfortable telling her about Faith and she was so sweet. I have seen her a few times since then and she always says Hi and asks me why I am not wearing my necklace. I really appreciate her tenderness towards me. It is people like her that make life just a little bit easier.

There is so much disappointment when you lose a child. The hopes and dreams that come along with expecting that child are gone. Then you have to deal with the grief associated with that loss. If you have children, then you have to deal with their grief also. Yes, it does get a little less painful as time goes on, but I believe that I will never be the same person I was before we lost Faith.

I have a pain in my heart that I am sure will never go away. I guess I do not want it to go away either, so that I will always remember Faith. I also feel that it is making me a better person. I believe that I have more compassion for others, especially when it comes to the loss of a child. Faith was a part of me and always will be.

Prayer request: That God will help me work through this anger and resolve it to his Glory. Also that my husband's job will remain stable. That God would find favor with him and keep his job safe. The company that he works for has gone through different stages of layoffs and now there are more expected.

Blessings,
 



 

4 comments:

LaVonne said...

Karen, thank you for such an honest post. I have never thought about all the clothes that have to be returned. That would be so difficult. Blessings to you this weekend!

Holly said...

Those waves just seem to sneak up on you and try to overtake you. That had to be hard returning the things that were bought for Faith when you should of been using them instead. :(

I bet your necklace is beautiful with all those pretty charms!

I know my heart will always feel different because Carleigh isn't here with us. And like you, I don't really want it to go away. I guess I'd feel like I was forgetting her (which in reality I never could do even if I tried!).

Raisingarrows said...

Praying. There is just so much that has to be dealt with and worked through isn't there? It seems never-ending at times. Many blessings to you,
Amy

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Sweet Karen...I am praying for you right now. The Lord will carry you through this anger and He will heal your heart. I know those words don't make it feel any better...and don't make the path any easier. I have walked there...after Thomas, there was a time of anger that lasted awhile. It took some time...but the Lord did heal that and He lifted it from me. Working through the emotions of grief does take time...and your pain is still new...very new. Thank you for this honest, beautiful post. I will continue to pray for you and your family, sweet friend...

Karen...have I ever asked you if you would like a Dreams of You Memory Book and Bear? Maybe you already answered me. I've been shipping so many, I don't remember. Let me know if I didn't, if you would like one. I will gladly send you one. (Email me: sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com)