Friday, June 26, 2009

Walking With You Week 2 ~ Waiting

Walking With You was created by Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace to help those of us who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words,prayer requests, and more. To join in or to learn more please click on the button above. This week we are sharing our experience after we heard the news that changed our lives.

I was waiting around in Michigan to deliver Faith. We had known that she had a heart defect and that she would require surgery soon after birth. We had no idea what was about to happen. After my appointments on that Friday, my sister and I just hung around the Hotel and spent some time exploring the area. My hubby stayed home with the kids and to work until it was time for Faith to be born. He was then going to join me there for her birth.

Sunday evening came and I realized that I hadn't felt Faith move in a while. I tried several tricks to get her to move. Nothing was working. I just wanted to believe that she was sleeping and didn't want to be bothered. My sister and I decided to go to the hospital to get checked out.

They took me back pretty quickly and when the nurse put on the fetal monitor she couldn't get a heartbeat. They brought in the ultrasound machine and it was confirmed. Faith was gone. I just didn't want to believe it. I eventually asked if a doctor could do the ultrasound to make sure they knew what they were doing. I had apologized to the nurse, but I needed to make sure for myself. The nurse found a doctor to come in and do the ultrasound and she confirmed what we already knew.

I remember screaming WHY? It just felt so unbelievable. All that we had been through with this pregnancy, and all the hope we had been given and it ends this way? I remember the nurses comforting my sister and I am sitting there pretty much in shock. As we process the information and as we are able we start to call people to let them know and especially pray. My sister originally called my hubby, and then I talked to him several times.

The doctors there originally told me that they wanted to induce me that night, but later gave me the option of going back home to KY to deliver there. I was suppose to have a c-section because I had 3 prior c-sections and because of Faith's condition they did not want me to take any chances. Since there was no longer any risk to the baby, they urged me to try a VBAC. After talking with hubby, we decided I would head home and deliver with my own doctor and family near by.

My sister and I checked out of the Hotel on Monday morning and headed for KY. During the drive I had several phone calls to work out different details. One call was my doctor and she wanted me to head straight to the hospital when I got there. She also urged me to try VBAC so that I could heal easier. She was such a comforting voice and appreciate her more than I can express.

Another call was from my son. He had received a call from a friend of his from church. His sister offered her services as a photographer. I knew her through church, but I did not know that she was with NILMDTS. That was an answer to my prayers. I wanted someone to take pictures and I wasn't sure who could do it. A side note, I had started reading blogs before Faith was conceived about other families going through difficult pregnancies and loss and I had heard of NILMDTS and what a Blessing they were to these families. I didn't think it was possible to find someone that quickly.

We arrived at the Hospital in the late afternoon, and we were ushered back to our labor room. I believe this room is reserved for these type of situations. It was further away then most of the rest of the rooms. The doctor checked in on me a little while later and then they started pitocin. By 10 that night, not a whole lot was happening, so they did not up the pitocin until the next morning.

I had not seen my kids for several days, so it was a joy to see them that evening. All 10 of them plus a few friends came to see me. I loved seeing them, but it was such a bittersweet time.

During the course of the next day, it seemed to take a long time for me to dilate. Eventually I decided to go ahead with an epidural and I was so glad. I ended up sleeping most of the day! In the later part of the afternoon I started feeling a bit more, so I asked for another dosage of the epidural. They did that, but it still didn't seem right. They came and gave me a bit more which helped quite a bit, but there was still so much pressure. The nurse checked me and said it was time.

From the time I found out that Faith was gone until she was born I felt like I was walking around in a really bad dream. I just never thought that this was going to end this way. We knew that Faith was going to have a rough start, but we were sure that she would pull through. No one ever mentioned that she could be stillborn. It never crossed my mind. I also knew that God was with me and that we would get through no matter what. Yes, I had anger and I had a lot of questions that I thought God should answer. I also knew that I wouldn't make it without God seeing me through. I was going to Praise Him In This Storm!


Prayer Request: That I can be the wife and Mommy that I desire to be and know that God wants me to be.




Jennifer Ross said...

You have such a large and wonderful family. So much love to go around! I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. I think your Faith through all of this is very encouraging to many women. I'm sure that your little girl is smiling down at her mommy:) God Bless

Holly said...

What a shock it must have been to find out Faith was no longer with you and that she had to be delivered still. ((hugs)) All your plans sound like they were for her to make it through. We don't have all the answers to why things turn out the way they do but God does and we can certainly know He always wants what is best for us, even when we don't understand it.

Ange said...


My heart aches when I read your story. I am so sorry. However, I am so inspired by the testimony of God's goodness in and though your entire family...including little Faith. Thank you for your message you left on my blog. The pregnancy is going well. However, I have to be honest and admit that I am battling fear some days.This is my 12th pregnancy and I will be 45 when the babies are due. Thank you for caring and for your prayers. You also are in my prayers. Sending Hugs!!! Ange

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Oh Karen, I am so sorry for the sorrow and for the loss of sweet Faith. What a gift to have NILMDTS involved...and it seems that the Lord sent them through your son. She is so beautiful. I'm so glad your family was able to surround you and bring comfort during that difficult time. Praying God's continued comfort and sufficient grace for you and your beautiful family...

Love to you,