Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Walking With You

Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace has started Walking with You to help support those who have lost a child. It is a place that we can share our stories about loss, any helpful information we have learned along the way, Scriptures that are meaningful to us, and any prayer request that we might have. I am excited as this group in getting underway. To have others that have been there and understand is quite important to me. If you have experienced a loss of a child please join us, just click on the button above.

My first loss was my very first pregnancy. I was 21 years old and we had tried for 9 months to get pregnant. We finally had success with it ending in major disappointment. At 13 weeks I was at work and I started spotting. I called the doctors office and the "friendly" receptionist said that if I was miscarrying there was nothing they could do about it anyway. She did however tell me to come in the next morning. I was there first thing even before anyone unlocked the door. My bladder was about to burst because they told me to drink lots of water for an ultrasound. The doctor showed up and opened the door, He told me just to let a little out. Yeah Right!

He proceeded to do the ultrasound and said that there was not a heartbeat. He gave me the option of having a D&C or wait it out. We didn't know what to do, so we went home to think about it. During the middle of the night I started passing large pieces of tissue. The doctor had me come in the next morning and he did a D&C in his office. It was one of the most difficult things I have experienced . If you have to have a D&C ,I recommend that you have medication to make you loopy or knocked out and for pain.

My second loss was when our third child was about 8 months old. We had become surprisingly pregnant when our son was just 6 months old. I had not been to the doctor yet for a checkup, but at 9 weeks I started bleeding. I went into the doctor's office and he examined me and said that I was passing tissue. He sent me to the hospital to get prepared for a D&C. Later he came and performed the procedure. At least this time I was given all the medication I needed! It was hard at losing another child. I actually felt that I did not grieve for my first miscarriage appropriately, so I believe I was grieving for both my miscarriages at the same time.

Our most recent loss happened in October 2008. At my 20 week ultrasound in July, they said they could not get a good view of the heart.They also said that the Nuchal Fold was measuring large. They sent me to a Perinatologist in which I could not get in until the following week. Needless to say I was a bit worried. I was trying to cast all my cares on the Lord, but I was really struggling.

At the Perinatologist Office we found that our daughter had Hypolpastic Left Heart Syndrome ( HLHS). We were told that she had a good chance at life, but would need Surgery soon after birth. Her total prognosis was not known, but we were given a lot of Hope. We endured the next few months of many appointments with the regular OB, the Perinatologist, and the Pediatric Cardiologist.

I went to Michigan to be prepared to have the baby, ( now known as Faith ). She was to be born in Michigan so that she could have the Surgery there. I went there on a Wednesday to have appointments on Thursday and Friday. We scheduled the c-section for a week away. I was just going to be monitored until then.

The appointments went fine and we saw our baby on the ultrasound, and she seemed to be doing well. On Sunday night I could not remember the last time I felt her move.We went on to the Hospital and that is when our World Came Crashing Down on us. We were told that she no longer had a heartbeat.

I was very upset and I remember screaming WHY? I do also remember knowing that God was going to get us through this, that he got us through some other difficult times in our lives. I am not going to say that it was easy, but I felt the prayers of many who were praying for us.


Earlier that year I had started reading blogs about other Moms that had lost their babies for various reasons. Little did I know that I was going to walk down a similar path. I believe that reading those blogs helped prepare me for what I was going to experience. I am Thankful to have some of the knowledge I gained during that time. It is a great help to be able to hear others' stories, to hear their experiences and how they dealt with them.


My prayer request is that I strongly have the desire to have another baby. Yes, even though I will soon be 45. Yes, even though that I have 10 living children. I really desire to have one more and to finish my child bearing years on a positive note. I love babies and would have many, many more if I could. But my prayer request is to have one more healthy pregnancy and baby. I know that medically speaking that I am an old lady! I also know that with God All things are possible! If this is not what he would have for us, then pray for my heart to be content and at peace.




Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...


Thank you so much for joining us...and for sharing these parts of your journey with us. I am so sorry for all of your losses...for your two little ones and for beautiful Faith. It is such a privilege to be able to walk together on this journey...and we do find comfort in the knowlege that we do not walk alone. I will definitely pray for you.

Love to you,

Trennia said...

You have a beautiful testamony of christian love,love for our Lord, and love for children.I understand where you are coming from with the desire to have another child. I feel like I have been forsaken...that the Lord loves me if I could have another child...but it is not possible for me.I still know the Lord loves me...I'll be praying for you.

Holly said...

You know, I feel the same way as you. Reading the stories of others helped to prepare me so much. I read these stories too before we had even conceived my Carleigh. I never imagined I would be there myself.

I am sorry that Faith left you before you had a chance to say hello. A friend of mine on Cafemom lost her baby to HLHS too. She blogged a little on here.


I sent Cora's mom my copy of Waiting with Gabriel. Have you read that book?

Ange said...


Thank you for sharing your heart. I feel just like you...the desire to have more children is stronger than ever. And it seems for me, with the losses, it made the desire more intense. Oh and how I hated that feeling sometimes!! I would get angry with God and I would have conversations with Him such as, "Lord, why do I have to want children so much? I feel like you are playing games with my heart!"

Also, I prayed the same as you. I pleaded with the Lord to PLEASE not let my childbearing years end like this (I will be 45 in November). Sometimes I think we get so caught up in trying to be so strong...we try to do the noble thing by laying it all down and say like Jesus, "Not my will but Your will Lord." However, I think there is a deep place we can go to in our relationship with God when we can just be real with Him. He loves that!

God is going to keep blessing that desire in you!Because He gave it to you. And He is going to bless you for the way you so generously share your pain with others. I relate so much to what you wrestle with. Thank you for being transparent about it. It is through real and vulnerable lives like yours that others will find the Lord. I am praying for the Lord to fill your quiver even more!

You have blessed me. Thank you!



Mike said...


I am sorry for the pain you have suffered (and continue to suffer) due to these unfortunate events. And I still regret that I was not as comforting as I should have been during that first loss. I am also sorry I was not with you when you found out Faith was gone. I wish I could have been there to hold and confort you.

You are an amazing wife (you put up with me). I LOVE YOU!

Your hubby,

Joye @ The Joyeful Journey said...

The pain and the anger is so real, isn't it. But, like you said, God lovingly carries us through it--and takes all our rantings and ravings. He feels our pain--He takes it upon Himself.

I pray that God blesses your womb!!! It looks like he has many times : o)

Leslie said...

I love your prayer request because I too am an "old lady". I miscarried at 8 weeks last September. I was almost 44 at the time. I have two sons but always wanted three children. This was a surprise pregnancy and I thought God had read my heart.

I'm sorry for all of your losses.

Blessings and Hugs, Leslie