Tuesday, April 28, 2009

It Has Been Six Months

Today marks six months since I first held Faith and it also marks six months since I last held Faith. I miss her so much and wish that we did not have to walk down this path. The past nine months have been very difficult. We found out in July that she had a heart condition that would most definitely require surgery. I was closely monitored by my regular OB and then the High Risk Specialist. I also visited the Pediatric Cardiologist on a regular basis. We felt so full of hope that we were going to meet Faith, and that she would have surgery in the first few days of life, but live a somewhat normal life. God had a different plan.

My heart has been broken, and I am pretty sure that it will never be completely healed this side of Heaven. I Love God with all my heart and believe that he is still in the Healing Business, but I believe that there will always be an ache in my heart where there is missing piece.. I truly believe that God wants it there to remind me to lean on him and as a result my Faith in him will grow even more deeply. It is there so that I can identify with others' pain and have a real compassion for other people who will walk a similar path.

I would do anything to have Faith back, but at the same time I accept what God has chosen for us. I do not like it, but my ways are not always his ways. I desire to live for him and put him first in every area of my life. So I will Praise Him even through this storm!

Last week I was driving down the road and suddenly had this intense feeling that I wanted to tell her that I Love Her. I never had that chance, at least on the outside. So as I am driving with tears rolling down my eyes, I was overcome with the fact that even though she never breathed in any air, I loved her so much and I wanted so badly for her to know that. I wanted to be able to tell her.

I believe that this is a lesson God was sharing with me. I feel that he was saying that this was just a small glimpse of the Love he has for us, and how much he wants us to Know that! Have you ever loved someone with all of your being that you could hardly hold it all in? Well, that is just a smidgen of how much God loves us. We cannot even grasp the depths of his love. At the same time he wants our Love for Him to overflow in us! Oh, how I want to overflow with God's Love!

Oh Dear Sweet Faith, I want you to know how much I Love You and miss you! I cannot wait until I get to see you again!




Inanna said...

Now I can't remember... did I say I loved him? Did I?

I'm so sorry Faith isn't with you, mama. :(

Trennia said...

Bless your heart Karen.
I've been praying for you my dear friend.May you feel the LOVE of our Saviour always.

Amy said...

Happy half heaven birthday Faith. We will all see you in heaven!
Karen, I am so sorry that you had so much hope that Faith would have surgery and do well, while my pesemistic side thought Jacob would surely not and now he is fine. Hope the rest of your week goes well.

Anonymous said...

Happy Heavenly 6 month b-day Faith.I will pray for you today Karen. My little girl turned 3 today,Thomas's B-day is in a week on the 7th May-1 year in Heaven,and then my oldest turns 14 a week after that.We had pretty sad b-days last year although I tried for my children. God bless.Yes,God draws us closer through these valleys and makes us stronger in Him.His love and grace have become sooo real to me in the last year.He really has become Abba Father to me.I will pray for Him to bring you joy and peace today.Love In Christ,Muffy